Sometimes
Finding time to write has been harder and harder with work keeping me up late and requiring more of my time. My divorce had heated up and the more I find out the more that I know my gut for years was trying to warn me. It’s sad to think that someone that was my best friend for so long lied to so many people and tried to cover it up for so many years. The curtain came up though and relieved what was behind it.
It’s amazing how pathological liars aka charmers live their lives. They can charm a group until their secrets are revealed and then they are forced to work on a new crowd. Their personalities radically change and they can’t mix groups because they are walking contradictions of their former selves. Each group would be surprised and would not be familiar with their former self.
As each day passes and more is revealed to me, I’m shocked at how deep the wounds go and how far back the lies went. Some go back four to five years while others are more recent. I’ve had so many people finally seek me out to apologize for how they felt about me only to say they had no idea my ex was so deceitful. When so many people with different perspectives on our situation tell me the same unbelievable stories, then it speaks volumes.
My ex has created so many personalities that they people close to her no longer believe her and have witnessed the personality change from group to group. A few of them have started seeking me out and have apologized for how they once thought about me. For years I felt like the bad guy and I thought taking the high road was overrated. Now I’m starting to see that maybe it wasn’t so overrated. Lately I’ve had opportunities to continue on the high road but I’ve just kept my mouth shut and paused on the side of the road. After five years of driving, I simply need a break before I continue.
I’m guilty of believing the best in people to a fault. At least I used to be. It’s hard to know someone for so long and not really know them. Now it’s less about what people tell me and more about their actions.
Sometimes I get low. Sometimes I get upset. Sometimes it can get to me for a night or a few nights. Sometimes I just need a few days to digest it before I want to talk about it. Sometimes I need time to let my guard down so when I talk about it, I’m not tempting to leave something out unintentionally.
Everyone likes telling stories, myself included, but when it comes to mistakes I’ve made, I don’t want my story to be an act of fiction. Time allows me to let my guard down and to let go and just say I messed up too. I’ve never been one to tell stories for sympathy instead it’s better that I hear about my mistakes from my own voice. I have no desire for people to believe that I’m the hero in the story because most of my mistakes have set the scene up all too well.
I’m slowly getting more comfortable writing about my story and some day more in depth about the parts that I want people to learn from. A few of my closer friends used to tell me that I was bitter. I’m not bitter I’m just wiser.
