Day 29: Nothingman
Right now, I got nothing but I’m working on it.
Day 28: I’ll Stop Trying to a Difference
I’m home. I’m tired. I have a headache. The highlight of my day was arguing with my ex who sees no problem with anything she had done for the last four or five years. Also pretending that nothing bad or wrong happened is OK too. Also KU lost to MU in the last 3 seconds.
Day 27: Ghosts
It’s my last night with family before I head back to Lawrence. It’s only been three days which is not enough time to see everyone yet it feels like I’ve been here for much longer. Thanksgiving was good but every year it seems to be getting smaller and smaller.
So many memories have flooded my mind from these past few years. It’s been a strange few days of thinking back to a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, and on and on. After seeing everything both good and bad for so long, I don’t want to ever get to that point again. I could go on and on about lessons learned by winning and losing. Instead, I don’t care tonight.
Day 26: Smile
“I made the man get a ladder so he could reach him on the top shelf at Walmart” my mother tells my inquisitive, four year old nephew.
“Really?” he responds back.
“Really” she tells him.
Apparently “I bought you at Walmart” was the most creative story my mother could think of when at three or four I asked her where I came from. Since then, she has never wavered on her story of my origin. It used to frustrate me because we shopped at Walmart enough that I knew there were toy, food, clothing, toilet paper, and pet isles but no adoption isle. I knew they gave puppies away at the front of the store but I wasn’t falling for that either.
Holidays are always interesting because stories like this are passed down to my nieces and nephews. They are the types of stories that are buried in my psyche that don’t even strike me as odd any more. Today is Thanksgiving.
Day 25: Hard to Imagine
I was half way home before I realized that I was missing my iPod. After loading it up with podcasts and audiobooks for my three hour drive, this was not the best way to start my week+ vacation. After messaging Matt from work and finding out that my iPod wasn’t inside, I decided to chance it and head back to look in the parking lot. When I returned my orange iPod nano was laying face first on the ground and only suffered a minor scratch on the side. I’m surprised that no one stole it or drove over it in their vehicle. I picked up my iPod and listened to it on my long drive back home. What I thought was a miserable start was OK after all.
Holidays are weird now. Last year they were really weird but this year Thanksgiving feels off. Removed from the walls at my parents house are several pictures of me because of the divorce and there are holes on the walls. It’s odd to see that some much of my life has been removed from the walls as if they never happened. This is better then being reminded but the white spaces on the walls that has faded where old photos once rested is unsettling. New spaces for new memories but the gaps will remain there for some time.
Day 24: Nothing as it Seems
Tonight was fun and a rare night that I let my guard down, accept that I’m with friends and I just enjoy the night for what it is. I had dozens of ideas to write about but not enough time to do any of them any justice.
Nights like tonight make me take a step back and wonder why it flew by in a blur and why I didn’t talk to everyone more. Nights like tonight release me yet I know that I don’t care for the feeling of being out of control and going with the flow.
Tomorrow I have to pack my stuff for a few days and go home to everyone that I’ve missed for so long. A year ago this was a bittersweet journey yet this year I go back feeling much better about where I’m at in the world. This still feels very disjointed yet I feel like a stronger person then I was a year ago. It’s amazing what going through a divorce will do to you and how it makes you really appreciate everyone that sticks by your side.
It’s amazing what one whole year means and how the people that meant the most play the smallest part in this role that is life. I sometimes wish that life didn’t test everyone as much as it seems to. However, in retrospect I’ve learned that even when you don’t think people are on your side they seem to pull through in the end. It’s all very bittersweet, but I’ll take what life gives me and I appreciate what life gives me.
I have grown so much over the last three or four years and I don’t wish that pain on anyone, yet I know that I am strong today as a result. There are days that I realize that I’m 32 years old yet it feels like today life has begun yet other days I feel like I’ve missed out on so much. For too many years I felt like I was just going with the flow and I finally feel like I am living in the moment and in control of today.
Nights like tonight make me realize that I have it pretty good despite my insecurities. Nights like tonight make me realize that mistakes I made yesterday impact my life enough that I will not make them again. Nights like tonight make me realize that it’s OK to be me and the people that mean the most to me will still be there tomorrow and the next day.
Day 23: Faithful
Another week of photography class and after seven classes, I’m feeling pretty good about where I stand skill wise. I have a ton to learn but it’s nice to be in an environment where I can share my work and learn from others. I have a lot of technique to learn but I feel like I have a firm understanding of the basics. From here I can hone my skills and slowly add new lenses and other equipment.
I’ve wanted to learn photography because of the story telling and documentary aspects. I think that most people that know me, assumed that I just wanted to take better photos. Both perspective and having a creative eye is what really allows someone to take amazing photos.
While that was a minor goal, the medium when applied to web is what really interests me. I decided pretty early on while in Lawrence that focusing on writing about Django and technology did not interest me. While I am interested in both, I would rather work on learning how to use the web to tell stories better.
When I see a site like Days with my Father it touches me. Philip Toledano does an amazing job of capturing his father’s spirit as he lives out his final days while suffering from short term memory loss. His father is tormented in his mind but he is able to capture his spirit in a powerful and moving medium. I’ve viewed his photos and read his story dozens of times and it still invokes dozens of emotions in me.
Philip manages to put his heart and soul in his project and it reveals as much about himself and it does about his father. I can only hope to tell stories as well or as moving but I have the desire to try.
Day 22: 100 Things
I got this idea from Michael Trier who got it from Leah Culver who got it from… The idea is to bold the ones you have done before.
- Started your own blog
- Slept under the stars
- Played in a band (guitar in high school and college)
- Visited Hawaii
- Watched a meteor shower
- Given more than you can afford to charity
- Been to Disneyland
- Climbed a mountain
- Held a praying mantis
- Sang a solo
- Bungee jumped
- Visited Paris
- Watched a lightning storm
- Taught yourself an art from scratch
- Adopted a child
- Had food poisoning
- Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
- Grown your own vegetables
- Seen the Mona Lisa in France
- Slept on an overnight train
- Had a pillow fight
- Hitch hiked
- Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
- Built a snow fort
- Held a lamb
- Gone skinny dipping
- Run a Marathon
- Ridden in a gondola in Venice
- Seen a total eclipse
- Watched a sunrise or sunset
- Hit a home run (In T-ball, we are all winners)
- Been on a cruise
- Seen Niagara Falls in person
- Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
- Seen an Amish community
- Taught yourself a new language (Does Python, PHP, Lisp, or Visual Basic count?)
- Had enough money to be truly satisfied
- Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
- Gone rock climbing
- Seen Michelangelo’s David
- Sung karaoke
- Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
- Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
- Visited Africa
- Walked on a beach by moonlight
- Been transported in an ambulance
- Had your portrait painted
- Gone deep sea fishing
- Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
- Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
- Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
- Kissed in the rain
- Played in the mud
- Gone to a drive-in theater
- Been in a movie
- Visited the Great Wall of China
- Started a business
- Taken a martial arts class
- Visited Russia
- Served at a soup kitchen
- Sold Girl Scout Cookies
- Gone whale watching
- Got flowers for no reason
- Donated blood, platelets or plasma
- Gone sky diving
- Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
- Bounced a check (I had a bank deposit my check in to my father’s account once… damn banks)
- Flown in a helicopter
- Saved a favorite childhood toy
- Visited the Lincoln Memorial
- Eaten caviar
- Pieced a quilt
- Stood in Times Square
- Toured the Everglades
- Been fired from a job
- Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
- Broken a bone
- Been on a speeding motorcycle
- Seen the Grand Canyon in person
- Published a book
- Visited the Vatican
- Bought a brand new car
- Walked in Jerusalem
- Had your picture in the newspaper
- Read the entire Bible
- Visited the White House
- Killed and prepared an animal for eating (fish)
- Had chickenpox
- Saved someone’s life
- Sat on a jury
- Met someone famous
- Joined a book club
- Lost a loved one
- Had a baby
- Seen the Alamo in person
- Swam in the Great Salt Lake
- Been involved in a law suit (woohoo divorce)
- Owned a mobile phone
- Been stung by a bee (only by a wasp)
- Read an entire book in one day
Day 21:
I’m sitting at Bigg’s BBQ watching KU get stomped by Texas. Besides that I had a nice leisurely day at home before venturing out for dinner and the game.
Day 20: Garden
The weekend begins and I have high hopes of accomplishing a little and a lot. Every weekend begins the same and I go in to Friday thinking about how much I can get done if I put my mind to it. Since I went quite a few nights this week on very little sleep, it’ll be a challenge to wake up and get around before noon tomorrow.
Tomorrow is the last day of the season for the Lawrence Farmer’s Market. This was the first year that I made a point to get a few weekends a month and I’ll miss all of the fresh produce each week. Maybe next year, I’ll get up in time to eat breakfast and then attend the Farmer’s Market before ten. Oh yes, I’m really aiming high for 2010.
Day 19: Habit
Watched the KU game at the Sandbar tonight with a small group of friends. While it wasn’t the most ideal place to catch the game, it worked out and lifted my spirits a bit. Tonight I’m working late to make up for going to the KU GIS conference yesterday and for watching the game tonight. It’s Thursday and I wrote. That’s about all that I have time to say.
Day 18: Present Tense
By now I’m thinking that this hellish experiment known as National Blog Posting Month aka November is getting to me. I had quite a few ideas and several themes but between work and life they have tapped me out. The only thing worse then having nothing to write, is writing about having nothing to write.
These photos were taken around Lawrence. A few were to tell a story but I’ve got nothing tonight.
Day 17: Love Boat Captain
Evidently I am a punching bag. As I look back the last few days that sums them up. It does not take much to make me happy. For probably the first time in my life, I can say that without reservations. I have had a couple of days now that I’ve been cut short due to life. I’m getting tired of it right now.
Life is more stressful to me today then it has been in quite a while. I’m dealing with it and I’m keeping my head up. In the past I shut down and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I feel like I’m at a crossroads again. The people that I love are the ones that seem to be pushing me the most. We all have bad days. Overall, my problems are pretty insignificant yet they are probably tougher now then they have ever been. Yet I’m feeling better about most things on most days. I have my low days but at the moment, I don’t feel like I get to take a pass. For once, I want to use my pass.
