Yoko Ono
Some nights 750 words flow so easily and smoothly that it’s hard to stop at a 1,000 words. Other nights life spills over while my emotions are numb and my senses are dull. On those nights nothing comes out but a few drips and a few words. I wish I knew what to say and the right way to say it.
Maybe my life is like the Wonder Years. I have copies of all six seasons because I used to take comfort in watching the series as a kid. Perhaps they lead me to believe that I wasn’t so different and there was hope. Maybe it was the narrative voice that sometimes I felt like existed in my life or the strange social interactions that felt similar to what I was going through as I was growing up. As the Kevin, Paul, and Winney grew up I did as well. I never watched the last season or two of the show because I was busy with school and I grew out of it. Just as they grew out of the show, I too grew out of watching it.
I can’t put a finger on what’s going on right now or what I’m feeling. I used this outlet for a while because it felt therapeutic to just write and get it out there. As more people that I know started reading it, I think it became a device for people to read more in to what I saying or feeling. I have many writer friends and I don’t judge them by what or how they write. There’s something about judging people on their journals or thoughts even if they are public that leaves a bad taste in my mouth. If you are reading this now then I’m not talking about you. For quite some time I’ve held the belief in Not For You which happens to be one of my favorite Pearl Jam songs. Their point was that the decisions and things that they did were not for you but for themselves. Things that I write and feelings that I express do not make me emo but more in touch with who I am as a person and who I am as I am growing. Bottom line I’m not going to curve my writing because of a few people or because of who might read it. Again, what I’m doing is simply not for you. I appreciate those of you that do read this and know the right questions to ask or when it’s better to not ask at all.
Tonight my insomnia returned and after about an hour of sleeping I woke up wide awake with many thoughts on my mind. I hate how vivid the feelings are that I wake up when I’m going through this are. It would be nice to take sleep for granted and to be able to brag about not having problems sleeping any more. I know some day I’ll be back at that stepping stone. Until then I just have to keep everything in a positive light and accept that some nights I will sleep less while other nights I’ll sleep more.
For 2010 I’ve discovered that I suck at my new goals. There is still plenty of year left but I’m struggling getting started on them and I’m about to have another two months of working support before I know it. Every weekend I sit down with my website and I obsess over pixels and details that do not matter. For me I know what I want in my mind but when it does not come out on the screen then it is extremely frustrating. I’ve simplified to the point of getting it done and out there but I not happy with it enough to push it out there. Perhaps this will come with time and we shall see.
I have struggled with working on a personal site for quite some time. I’ve had a WordPress blog and this tumblr blog fills some gaps but I’m ready for something of my own devices. As my abilities to fill in the gaps increases, maybe I’ll feel more comfortable and figure out how to fill in the pieces that are missing. I don’t think I’ll be comfortable until I reach that point.
Despite my jumbled thoughts of this post, I guess I have had things on my mind but I haven’t had enough clarify to know what they were or how to express them. I’ve always been a better vent-to and vent-with person then I have been a vent-to-others person. I don’t know that I’ve been in that role since I moved to Lawrence. Maybe I’m just better at that role and I’m finally accepting it.
The Wonder Years as corny and cheesy as it might have been left a permanent impression on me. I instantly related to the voice of the narrater and I felt like it would be my voice when I grew up. When I write I can hear my words being read by the adult voice of Kevin Arnold and that’s something that’s stuck with me ever since.
“The best way is always to stop when you are going good and when you know what will happen next. If you do that every day … you will never be stuck. Always stop while you are going good and don’t think about it or worry about it until you start to write the next day. That way your subconscious will work on it all the time. But if you think about it consciously or worry about it you will kill it and your brain will be tired before you start.” — Ernest Hemingway
I spent most of Saturday crashed out in bed with a migraine. There was so much time today and so much that I wanted to get done this weekend yet my body disagreed with me. I did make it out to a friend’s house where they were playing games for a few hours.
I realize that I’m ten days in to 2010 and it’s time to start working on my goals. The biggest is getting my website up in some form so that I can get my project-52 website up. It’s time to cut out all non-essential features and get it out the door.
It’s also time to turn back into a morning person and stop staying up late. This will be tough but when I stop drinking caffeine, I think it’ll be much easier. I want my mornings back and my hour or two of me time every day.
Ask me anything http://formspring.me/jefftriplett
Rather then commit to meaningless resolutions for 2010, here are my goals instead:
Eating out less and at home more. I spent most of my life eating out at least two days a week. While the food is amazing in downtown Lawrence, my eating habits have not changed enough. It’s expensive to eat out every day not to mention multiple meals a day.
Eating healthier.
Get back in shape and run more. I loved running in 2008 and this year I’ve basically ignored running. After hurting my hip, I struggled with running this year. My first year running I had over a hundred miles in and last year I barely had 30 to 40 miles.
Change my sleeping habits. I switched from being a night owl to be an early morning person for a few months and I want to return to this cycle. Going to be by 11pm or midnight and getting up at 5:30am or 6am felt right to me. It gave me more balance and me time in the morning which made everything flow better.
Get a passport. I’m not sure if this will be the year that I leave the country and travel to Europe or not but I’d like to get the ballrolling at least.
Become a better photographer (see below):
Read more. My profession forces me to read all of the time but I really don’t enjoy or make time for reading books. This is kind of sad and I need to work on it.
Write more and become a better writer. The only way to become a better writer is to read and write more.
Buy a tablet PC. I want a tablet that I can take with me and do all the things that make me less productive while I’m on my Macs.
Open up some my web projects and start becoming a better citizen.
Finally release my website in the form that I want people to see.
Become a better web designer and work on my creative side. I love programing but most of my interests for quite some time have been more design focused. Back in college, I took animation and a few art classes but I didn’t feel like I had the raw talent. Looking back, I was just more interested in being a developer. Now that I’ve been a developer for the last ten years, it’s time that I become more rounded.
Move downtown and into a loft. Living on the west side of town has it’s ups and downs but I want to be in the middle of everything that’s going on.
Re-evaluate life in Lawrence. I love living in Lawrence but the last few months have had me rethinking where my place is and where I belong. I used to feel like I should be closer to home so this was far enough away yet close enough that I could drive back home. I’m not a big city person but I’ve honestly never tried. Maybe I am but I just have experienced it enough to know yet. Maybe two years is enough living some place. The last few weeks have opened my eyes up and it has changed how I look at the people in my life.
Be more social with the people I meet. When I went to PyCon and SXSW last year, I was simply overwhelmed. I met some really great people but overall I felt out of place. Large social groups aren’t my thing but I need to get over this and make better connections with people.
Consult more and work less.
Photography goals:
Start a 52 week photography project. I’ve done a 365(366 because of leap year) project which taught me how to be a much better photographer.
Buy a proper flash for my camera and learn to work with light.
Take a photo essay class. Most likely this spring at the Lawrence Arts Center.
Experiment with print. This begins by simply getting some photos printed and start working with larger formats.
Longer term goals:
Have my first adventure. Emphasis on an adventure that involves a passport. For years I’ve thought about buying an Airstream and traveling for three months while documenting the experience. There are definitely a lot of costs and overhead with buying an Airstream so I’m not going to let that limit my goal. Just getting away for a week and working on a project that involves simply enjoying life sounds amazing to me.
Speak at a conference. Speaking in front of a large group of people scares the hell out of me. When I worked in Joplin I’ve had to do it a few times and it was fine. Now I’ve gotten so out of habit that speaking in front of four to six people in a room makes me visibly nervous. This is a shame but I’d love to seek out an opportunity to talk about a subject that I’m passionate about. There are definitely areas that I can speak about for hours on end. Showing my work in my photography class helped me melt the ice a bit and by the end I was being asked questions for 20 to 30 minutes per classroom and I wasn’t even thinking twice about it. This is one fear that I want to conquer.
“I also imagine that there’s some secret to writing, and no one will tell me what it is. I know it’s not true, but still.”
— Andrea Barrett
Interviewed by Elizabeth Gaffney
The Paris Review, Issue 168
Of course, there are many ways to form the exercise habit, but here’s a suggested plan using the 6 Changes Method:
Commit as publicly as possible to forming this habit in 2 months. Also commit publicly each week to that week’s change.
Week 1: Lace up your shoes and get out the door. That’s it. Go back inside and do whatever you want after that. Choose a trigger (after your morning coffee, right when you get home from work, etc.) and do it right after the trigger each day.
Week 2: Lace up your shoes, get out the door, and walk for 5 minutes. That’s all. Baby steps.
Week 3: Lace up your shoes, get out the door, walk for 10 minutes.
Week 4: Lace up your shoes, get out the door, walk for 15 minutes.
Week 5: Lace up your shoes, get out the door, walk for 15 minutes, with a couple of 30-second jogging intervals thrown in.
Week 6: Lace up your shoes, get out the door, walk for 20 minutes, with four 30-second jogging intervals thrown in.
Week 7: Lace up your shoes, get out the door, alternate jogging and walking for 20 minutes.
Week 8: Lace up your shoes, get out the door, and jog for 20 minutes, with a few walk breaks thrown in.
That’s it. Small baby steps, and after two months, you have a new habit that’s pretty firmly ingrained.
Today begins day one of my two week staycation. I am patiently waiting on both UPS and FedEx to deliver my packages before I can leave my house to hopefully finish up the last of my Christmas shopping tonight. I also need to buy groceries to last me at least another week or two and probably clean up my house before evolution takes hold and my house forms it’s own ecosystem.
I won’t be in Lawrence for my entire two weeks and I will be back in Missouri for a few days to celebrate Christmas with my family. I have plenty of projects that I want to work on and a few nights of fun between my birthday and New Years Eve coming up. Somehow this time of year seems to blur together since there’s one really busy week before everything calms down. Regardless, I’m looking forward to not shaving and being a bum for a few weeks!
IT’S 7TH GRADE..
I stared at the girl next to me… She was my so called “best friend”… I stared at her… Long, silky hair… And I wished she was mine… But she didn’t notice me like that… I knew it… After class she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before… And I handed them to her… She said “thanks”… And gave me a kiss on the cheek… I wanted to tell her… I want her to know that I don’t want to be “just friends”… I love her but I’m too shy to tell her… And I don’t know why…
IT’S JUNIOR YEAR..
My phone rang… On the other end it was her… She was in tears… Mumbling on and on about how her love had broken her heart… She asked me to come over because she didn’t want to be alone… So I did… As I sat next to her on the sofa… I stared at her soft eyes… Wishing she was mine… After 2 hours… I Drew Barrymore movie… And 3 bags of chips… She decided to go to sleep… She looked at me.. Said “thanks” and gave me a kiss on the cheek… I wanted to tell her… I want her to know… That I don’t want to be “just friends”… I love her but I’m too shy to tell her… And I don’t know why…
IT’S SENIOR YEAR..
The day before prom… She walked to my locker… “My date is sick” she said… He’s not going to go… Well… I didn’t have a date and in 7th grade… We made a promise that if neiter of us had dates… We’d go together just as “best friends”… And so we did…
IT’S PROM NIGHT..
After everything was over with… I was standing at her front door step… I stared at her … She smiled at me… I wanted her to be mine… But she doesn’t think of me like that… And I know it… Then she said “I had the best time… Thanks!”… And she gave me a kiss on the cheek… I wanted to tell her… I wanted her to know that I don’t want to be “just friends”… I love her but I’m just too shy… And I don’t know why…
IT’S GRADUATION DAY..
A day passed… And then a week… And then a month… Before I could blink… It was graduation day… I watched her… Perfect body… Floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma… I wanted her to be mine… But she doesn’t think of me that way… And I know it… Before everyone went home… She came to me in her smock and hat… And cried as I hugged her… Then she lifted her head from my shoulders and said “you’re my best friend”… “Thanks!”… And gave me a kiss on the cheek… I wanted to tell her.. I wanted to know that I wanted to be more than “just friends”… I love her but I’m too shy… And I don’t know why…
IT’S A FEW YEARS LATER..
Now I sit in the pews of the church… A church that she is getting married in now… I watched her say “I do” an drive off to her new life… Married to another man… I wanted her to be mine… But she didn’t see me like that… And I knew it… But before she drove away… She came to me and said “You came!… Thanks!”… And she kissed me on the cheek… I wanted to tell her… I wantd her to know that I didn’t want to be “just friends”… I love her but I’m just too shy… And I don’t know why…
YEARS PASSED..
I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my “best friend”… At the service they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years… This is what it said… “I stare at him… Wishing he was mine… But he doesn’t notice me like that… And I know it… I wanted to tell him… I wanted him to know… That I don’t want to be “just friends”… I love him but I’m just too shy… And I don’t know why… I wish he would tell me he loved me”… I wish I did too… I thought to myself and I cried…
rest in peace my love
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Today is my last entry for November and while I have definitely had my ups and downs, I’m glad that I did finish at least one article every day. I called a few articles in but overall I felt motivated during what is kind of a busy month.
It seems the subject of what I believe has been on my mind lately. I’ve discussed it more in casual conversations with friends more then normal yet I’m not sure why it keeps coming up.
I believe that we all have certain fundamental beliefs that we either do or don’t believe in. I can no more change this belief anymore then I can tell who you should or should not be in love with. In my life, I have always believed that there was a creator which explains our existence. I’ve heard people explain who God is and I’ve heard people attempt to dispel God on the basis of science and the big bang theory. Both seemed like they could co-exist in the same space in my brain and both seemed very hard to prove or disprove. For me accepting that there was a creator was easy whereas having anyone tell me exactly how it happened without proof was impossible.
There is quite a bit more to expand on to do this subject justice. Tonight I’m tired after 30 days of writing every day while working a support job that has been more then demanding. The mistakes that I’m making tonight with my writing tells me that it’s time to call it a night and expand on this later.